The 13 Things Bedtime Ritual
Teach family values through a short, repeated call-and-response ritual
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~months to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 96%
The 13 Things Bedtime Ritual embeds family values in an existing nightly sequence. After teeth and reading, the parent opens with permission to pursue any future path for oneself, asks what that will take, and defines courage with a repeated response: being scared and doing it anyway. The children then recite a compact list of behavioral rules covering sibling protection, courtesy, eye contact, remembering names, hygiene, road awareness, kindness, communication, and courage. The rules are intentionally concrete enough for young children to perform before they fully understand the larger principles. Repetition builds recall; parental explanation and modeling turn the words into family culture. The ritual closes with a direct statement of unconditional love.
Origin
Chernow built the list over time from values that shaped his life, including lessons inherited from his father, and has repeated it with his sons at bedtime since they were born.
Core principles
- 01Children crave predictable rituals
- 02Values become memorable through repetition
- 03Small rules can represent larger life lessons
- 04Courage means acting while scared
- 05Family leadership combines love with clear expectations
How to run it
- 1
Attach values to bedtime
Place the ritual after familiar bedtime actions such as brushing teeth and reading. A stable cue makes repetition easy.
Pro tip Keep the sequence the same even when the exact bedtime shifts.
- 2
Open with agency and courage
Tell children they can choose what they become, then ask what it takes. Use a simple definition of courage they can repeat.
Pro tip Make the response short enough for the youngest child to remember.
Watch out Do not frame courage as the absence of fear.
- 3
Recite concrete values
Have the children say the list, alternating or speaking together. Phrase each value as a visible behavior rather than an abstract virtue.
Pro tip Include rules that matter in the family's real daily life.
Watch out An overlong list will become a performance rather than a usable memory aid.
- 4
Connect rules to meaning
Explain the larger lesson as relevant situations arise. For example, looking both ways before crossing can represent awareness beyond road safety.
Watch out Children may follow a rule before understanding it; do not mistake early repetition for mature judgment.
- 5
Close with reassurance
End by telling the children they are loved and supported. The structure should communicate security as well as standards.
In the wild
Chernow's sons repeat rules including protecting each other, letting ladies go first, using a firm handshake and eye contact, remembering names, practicing bathroom hygiene, checking both directions before crossing, being kind to their mother, choosing kindness, showing courage, and telling a responsible adult before stepping away.
→ The children already perform several of the concrete behaviors and hear the family's larger values every night.
Common mistakes
Teaching only abstractions
Words such as respect or awareness are harder for young children to apply than concrete actions that express them.
Reciting without modeling
The ritual loses credibility if children repeatedly see parents behave against the values being rehearsed.
Is it for you?
Best for
Parents of young children who want a simple, consistent way to teach courage, awareness, kindness, and responsibility.
Not ideal for
Families expecting recitation alone to replace parental modeling, explanation, and age-appropriate adaptation.
From the transcript
“you can be anything you want to be when you grow up as long as you do it for yourself and nobody else”
“what is courage and they say being scared and doing it anyway”
“leadership is consistency with them”
From the episode
Episode 407: Michael Chernow: How to Build a Lasting Marriage, Break Free from Addiction + Why Morning Routines Matter
Michael Chernow