Attraction Pattern Reset
Replace insecurity-led chemistry with values-led partner selection
- Difficulty
- Advanced
- Time to result
- ~months to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 94%
The reset treats repeated romantic disappointment as a selection-pattern problem rather than a run of unrelated bad partners. First, identify the role you repeatedly seek and the insecurity it rewards; Schafer noticed that choosing women he could teach made him feel smart and powerful. Next, specify the durable qualities wanted in a partner and rank those above a rigid physical type. Date in that direction without demanding instant commitment or instant chemistry. Across several conversations, look for increasing respect, safety, honesty, independence, and attraction. The unfamiliar match may initially feel less intoxicating because it does not deliver the old ego reward. The mechanism replaces that short-term reinforcement with accumulating evidence of compatibility and allows attraction to grow around character.
Origin
After recognizing himself as the common denominator in repeated relationships, Schafer deliberately dated women outside his usual type. His friendship with Katrina grew into a long-term partnership as he observed her confidence and grounded responses.
Core principles
- 01Repeated partner outcomes reveal a chooser pattern
- 02Intense chemistry can reward an insecurity rather than signal compatibility
- 03Long-term qualities should outrank a familiar physical type
- 04Attraction can grow through repeated evidence of character
- 05Honesty and boundaries expose compatibility
How to run it
- 1
Name the repetition
Review past relationships for the role, conflict, or outcome that keeps recurring. Put yourself, not only former partners, inside the causal picture.
Pro tip Describe what each relationship let you feel about yourself.
Watch out Pattern ownership is not self-blame for another person's abuse.
- 2
Find the ego reward
Identify the insecurity soothed by the familiar partner type, such as needing to feel powerful, needed, admired, or superior.
Pro tip Treat the initial rush as data, not proof of compatibility.
Watch out Do not mistake intensity for health.
- 3
Re-rank partner qualities
Write the character and life qualities that matter for the relationship you actually want. Move rigid appearance preferences below confidence, values, stability, and growth orientation.
Pro tip Define qualities through observable behavior.
Watch out Do not create an impossible perfection checklist.
- 4
Date outside the script
Accept dates with people who fit the durable qualities even when they are not your familiar type. No marriage decision is required; gather evidence through conversation and time.
Pro tip Ask whether you want another date rather than whether this is immediately 'the one.'
Watch out Unfamiliar does not automatically mean compatible.
- 5
Track growing evidence
Notice how the person handles honesty, jealousy, disagreement, boundaries, and growth. Continue when respect and attraction compound rather than relying only on the first rush.
Pro tip Pay attention to responses under tension, not just stated values.
Watch out Stop if safety, respect, or core compatibility is absent.
In the wild
Schafer realized he repeatedly chose women whose problems let him play an intelligent, powerful father figure. He began dating women he would not previously have called his type, learned which qualities he actually valued, and eventually built a friendship and relationship with Katrina.
→ He selected a confident, growth-minded partner and describes attraction increasing across 13 years.
A dater who repeatedly pursues dramatic partners identifies that jealousy makes them feel desired. They prioritize emotional steadiness and honest communication, then take several low-pressure dates with someone grounded rather than dismissing the match because the first meeting lacks drama.
→ They evaluate compatibility without using familiar emotional intensity as the only signal.
Common mistakes
Forcing attraction
The reset expands who receives a fair evaluation; it does not require staying with someone when attraction and compatibility never develop.
Keeping the old ranking
Listing healthy qualities changes nothing if the familiar superficial type still vetoes every candidate first.
Calling intensity compatibility
An ego reward can feel powerful precisely because it activates the insecurity that sustains the old pattern.
Is it for you?
Best for
Self-aware daters who recognize a recurring unhealthy pattern and are willing to tolerate unfamiliarity while changing it.
Not ideal for
It is not a reason to force attraction, ignore incompatibility, or remain in an unsafe relationship.
From the transcript
“there's a common denominator here it's not the girl I'm dating it's me who keeps picking these types of girls”
“what if I flip that and all these other characteristics that are really truly important what if I went after that first”
“you have to at least be open to dating in a direction that you probably don't think that you would date in”
From the episode
Episode 369: Mind Pump's Adam Schafer: Overcoming Childhood Adversity To Success in Business, Habits, and Relationships.
Mind Pump's Adam Schafer