Liker-First Popularity Rule
Increase connection by showing that you like people first.
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 98%
Shift the goal of popularity from getting more people to like you toward actively finding and expressing what you like in others. In the study discussed, the most popular children were distinguished by having the longest lists of people they themselves liked—not by grades, athleticism, or attractiveness. Their behavior made that liking visible: they smiled first, nodded first, waved first, and invited others to join. Apply the rule by offering small, sincere acknowledgments and appropriate invitations before waiting for proof of acceptance. This increases opportunities for mutual liking and makes others feel recognized. The approach requires tolerating occasional rejection, and it should never replace safety or boundaries, but it provides a controllable behavior rather than an uncontrollable status goal.
Origin
Van Edwards adopted the rule personally after reading research that mapped schoolchildren’s social connections and liking patterns. Extracted from Habits & Hustle.
Core principles
- 01Popularity grows from expressed liking, not just attractiveness or status.
- 02Small acknowledgments make other people feel seen.
- 03Inclusive invitations expand the relationship network.
- 04Holding back can prevent mutual liking from forming.
- 05Being a liker requires accepting the possibility of rejection.
How to run it
- 1
Adopt a liking orientation
Enter safe interactions looking for a sincere reason to appreciate or enjoy the other person.
Pro tip Focus on curiosity rather than evaluating whether they approve of you.
Watch out Do not ignore warning signs or force yourself to like harmful behavior.
- 2
Signal first
Offer the first smile, nod, wave, greeting, or acknowledgment instead of waiting passively.
Pro tip Use small signals that fit the setting.
Watch out Overly intense friendliness can violate boundaries.
- 3
Create inclusion
Invite people into an appropriate conversation, lunch, seat, or shared activity.
Pro tip Make the invitation specific and easy to accept or decline.
Watch out Do not use inclusion as a transaction for loyalty.
- 4
State sincere liking
Tell people what you appreciate when the sentiment is genuine.
Pro tip Name a specific action or quality rather than giving generic praise.
Watch out Flattery without truth undermines the framework.
- 5
Tolerate nonreciprocity
Accept that some people will not respond while preserving your willingness to connect with others.
Pro tip Measure success by opportunities created, not universal acceptance.
Watch out Persistent pursuit after a clear rejection is not liking; it is boundary violation.
In the wild
A new employee greets colleagues first, remembers something positive about each person’s work, and invites an overlooked teammate to join lunch. She does not wait to be established before signaling that she values people.
→ More colleagues experience her as approachable and include her in future conversations.
Common mistakes
Chasing approval
The controllable action is liking and acknowledging others, not forcing them to like you.
Withholding until guaranteed
Waiting for certainty removes many opportunities for mutual connection.
Is it for you?
Best for
People building friendships, workplace relationships, school belonging, or inclusive communities.
Not ideal for
Unsafe relationships or contexts where friendliness would override necessary boundaries.
From the transcript
“The most popular kids had the longest list of people they liked.”
“those are the kids that would walk down the hallway and smile first, nod first, wave first.”
“I would rather say I like you and have you reject me than miss the opportunity of us liking each other.”
From the episode
Episode 419: Vanessa Van Edwards: The Power of Body Language and Charisma for Effective Communication
Vanessa Van Edwards