Reciprocity Standards Test
Match every partner requirement against what you bring
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 95%
The Reciprocity Standards Test evaluates a partner wish list by turning every requirement back on the person who holds it. Start by separating essential qualities such as health habits, ambition, values, or relationship goals from cosmetic quirks and neurotic fault-finding. For each important standard, ask whether you embody the same quality or offer a credible reciprocal contribution. Wanting a fit partner, for example, should trigger an honest review of your own health habits; wanting professional success should prompt the same review of your own direction and effort. The test does not require identical earnings, appearance, or roles. Its mechanism is consistency: legitimate standards connect to mutual compatibility, while arbitrary pickiness fixates on small defects or demands qualities with no reciprocal basis.
Origin
Patti Stanger introduced the distinction after Jennifer Cohen asked how being picky differs from having high standards.
Core principles
- 01Standards should describe meaningful compatibility
- 02Reciprocity exposes one-sided expectations
- 03Trivial fault-finding is not the same as discernment
- 04Self-assessment should precede judging a partner
How to run it
- 1
Write the real standards
List the qualities you believe are necessary for a healthy, compatible relationship. Keep the first pass honest rather than socially acceptable.
Pro tip Phrase each item as a durable quality rather than a specific status symbol.
Watch out Do not omit safety or values merely to make the list shorter.
- 2
Remove trivial filters
Mark requirements based on tiny physical quirks, imagined perfection, or compulsive fault-finding. Separate those from qualities that affect daily life and long-term compatibility.
Pro tip Ask whether the trait would matter after five ordinary years together.
Watch out Attraction still matters; the aim is to expose triviality, not deny preference.
- 3
Run the mirror question
For every remaining requirement, ask whether you possess or support the same quality. Describe concrete evidence rather than answering from self-image.
Pro tip Use recent behaviour as evidence, not future intentions.
Watch out Reciprocity does not mean partners must have identical jobs, incomes, or personalities.
- 4
Rebuild the shortlist
Keep the standards tied to mutual wellbeing and revise one-sided demands. Use the shorter list to guide dates without scoring every human imperfection.
Pro tip Limit the final list to qualities that change relationship viability.
Watch out Never use flexibility as a reason to ignore abuse, dishonesty, or incompatibility.
In the wild
A dater says a partner must be in excellent shape. The mirror question reveals that his own exercise and eating habits are inconsistent. He either adopts the habits he values or reframes the standard around a mutually active lifestyle rather than a one-sided appearance demand.
→ A superficial demand becomes a reciprocal lifestyle criterion.
A woman wants a partner with professional direction. She reviews her own work, financial responsibility, and support for a partner's ambitions. The standard remains because it reflects shared values, but it is no longer reduced to a salary threshold.
→ The requirement becomes clearer and more compatible with mutual contribution.
Common mistakes
Turning reciprocity into sameness
Partners can contribute differently. The test asks for mutual value and consistency, not identical biographies.
Negotiating away core boundaries
Safety, respect, and consent do not require you to earn equivalent protection. Keep non-negotiables intact.
Is it for you?
Best for
It is best for daters reviewing a long wish list or repeatedly rejecting partners for minor reasons.
Not ideal for
It is not ideal for bargaining away safety, consent, or other non-negotiable boundaries.
From the transcript
“Picky is neurosis.”
“So, high standards is like you look at yourself. Do you have those things?”
“If you want someone successful, are you successful? If you want someone in shape, are you in shape? That's like high standards.”
From the episode
Episode 537: Patti Stanger: Why Modern Dating Is Broken, Red Flags, and the Commitment Crisis
Patti Stanger