Three-Part Self-Compassion
Coach yourself through difficulty without cruelty or avoidance
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 98%
Three-Part Self-Compassion replaces the inner drill instructor with the voice of a good friend or coach. First, mindfulness means plainly noticing that the current moment is hard or that you are struggling. Second, common humanity places that struggle in context: mistakes and difficult periods are normal rather than proof that you alone are defective. Third, self-kindness changes the tone of the response. Kindness does not remove standards or consequences; it makes room for curiosity, problem-solving, and the next hard action. The mechanism matters because harsh self-criticism can increase resistance and procrastination, while compassionate self-talk can support performance and resilience. The target is neither indulgence nor relentless positivity. It is a realistic assessment followed by accountable coaching that you would be willing to offer someone you care about.
Origin
Santos presented the three components used in self-compassion research: mindful noticing, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Core principles
- 01Harsh self-criticism creates resistance rather than reliable motivation
- 02Difficulty should be noticed before it can be addressed
- 03Struggle is part of common human experience
- 04Kindness can remain accountable and action-oriented
How to run it
- 1
Notice the struggle
State what is difficult right now and how it is affecting you. Observe the experience without immediately judging your character.
Pro tip Use plain language such as “I'm struggling right now.”
Watch out Skipping observation makes it easier to react automatically.
- 2
Normalize difficulty
Remind yourself that other people also struggle, make mistakes, and face imperfect conditions. This reduces isolation without dismissing the problem.
Watch out Common humanity is context, not an excuse.
- 3
Adopt the coach's voice
Respond with the same firmness and care a good friend or coach would use. Avoid both abuse and empty reassurance.
Pro tip Ask what you would say to a friend actively making the same mistake.
Watch out Self-kindness is not the same as letting yourself off the hook.
- 4
Problem-solve the next move
Get curious about what produced the setback and choose one constructive action. Keep the standard while changing the way you pursue it.
Pro tip Make the next action small enough to start now.
In the wild
After missing a deadline, a founder notices the shame and pressure instead of calling themselves lazy. They remember that overload causes many people to slip, speak to themselves as they would to a capable teammate, then renegotiate the scope and schedule one focused recovery block.
→ Accountability is preserved without the resistance created by self-attack.
Common mistakes
Confusing compassion with indulgence
Compassion changes the tone and quality of correction; it does not remove the need to correct the problem.
Jumping straight to reassurance
Telling yourself everything is fine before noticing the real difficulty can become avoidance rather than compassion.
Is it for you?
Best for
High achievers and anyone whose harsh self-talk causes procrastination, resistance, or burnout.
Not ideal for
Using kindness as permission to avoid responsibility or leave harmful behaviour unchanged.
From the transcript
“Then it comes with a practice of what's called common humanity often. But it's basically like and that's normal. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a hard…”
“And then the final step is what's called self-kindness where you just kind of are nice to yourself.”
From the episode
Episode 551: Dr. Laurie Santos: How Modern Life Hijacks Your Happiness And Why Going Analog Fixes It
Dr. Laurie Santos